After much deliberation and reflection, I decided to write about my son's learning disability. The subject breaks my heart for this terrific boy of mine. Thursday, Brian's teacher called a Parent - Teacher conference, which included the Principal. It is never good when the Principal sits in. I think Parents of kids with learning differences find these "meetings" excruciating at best.
My x husband decided to come to this one. Hurray for small miracles. When Brian was an infant (and I was still married) I noticed Brian was already different. Brian did not like to crawl. He would pull himself up and hang on to things to move about the house. He just wanted to go from sitting to walking. Forget that crawling business.
Brian had difficulty winding down if over-stimulated. I did a ton of reading on childhood development. I understand crawling is linked to reading. I began reading aloud to my tummy even before he was born. I wanted him to be accustomed to hearing my voice and the sound of written word. We had a difficult birth. Brian got stuck and stopped breathing and so did I. I almost bled to death. The cord was wrapped around his neck and his head was bruised from clamps and suction. On a more humorous note: VH1 was on in the delivery room and Brian was born during the first half hour of Monty Python's "Life Of Brian". I knew this kid was special.
After delivery, I continued with reading and began singing words to him. I stepped up the reading when he was about 6 months old. He loved Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. I can still recite the whole book "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom...will there be enough room....here comes A up the coconut tree..."
When Brian was 2 and just learning to talk, he would tell these long never-ending stories. (I have no idea where he gets this from). My mother and I would try to keep a straight face when Brian extended the story further every time we said, "and then...?". When Brian was about 3 and a half, the three of us drove to Seattle and Brian invented a story that lasted from Salem to Portland. I loved it. I can still hear my mom and I saying, "And then...?..." over and over. "And then the monster turned into a bird and flew into a cloud and a dragon tried to catch it...and then..."
I noticed from the beginning Brian learned differently than other kids his age. Like riding a bike. When other kids his age were riding bikes with training wheels, Brian flatly refused. His dad, the aging jock tried to force the bike thing, (even back then) Brian dug his heels in and refused. I didn't push it. Then, one day he came into the house and said, "Mom, take my training wheels off. I want to ride my bike". Surprised, I went to the garage, got my tools and offered to "rotate the training wheels up higher." Brian got frustrated and pointed out to me that he was "NOT A BABY!" and to just take them off. So I took off the training wheels.
I offered to hold the seat and run behind him while he learned to ride. (Ok, yes I know...it's hard not to be a mom). He looked at me like I was nuts. He had that 'I can do this back off mom' look in his eyes. With that, he got on the bike, turned downhill. let it go and started to pedel. He came close to losing it but managed all the way to the bottom of the hill and rode around the corner. I was stunned.
When he returned I said "Wow Brian, how did you learn to ride?" He said "I just kept picturing it in my head until I knew I could easily do it". And that, is Brian's learning style. Unfortunately, it is not the learning style of the public school system, where mainstream and conformity is celebrated and rewarded. Heaven help anyone who is percieved as 'different'. Heck...I had issues with school growing up and I was an excellerated student. Frankly I found it boring and useless...it drove my mother nuts. She lives for achedemia.
My cousin Larry was a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins back in the early 80's. He is the biggest man I have ever met, and the largest pitcherI have ever watched. He is 6'5 and the size of a door. He literally has to duck through doors when he enters or exits. To me, he is Paul Bunyon. My hero. A kinder gentler man I have never known. I remember what it was like for him growing up. Sports, especially baseball was his salvation. I look at Brian and realize he is well on his way to being another gentle giant, just like Larry. Brian's chest and shoulders fit in my sweat shirts and his feet are the same size as mine...he is only 10...oi. The one thing everyone who comes in contact with Brian agrees upon is that there is not a mean bone in Brian's body. He is kind to everyone. His teacher tried to tell me that this atribute wouldn't get Brian very far in life. I am amazed that I didn't just get up and walk out. I only answered "The ability to cooperate and get along with people is everything in life". I was fuming.
With larger children, their development is slower. They often peak late in high school or even college. Add in ADHD, ADD or Dyslexia with these tall, larger kids and every day poses interesting challenges to be overcome. They are so brave. Brian is also brave, ironically the meaning of his name. Again, the system cannot handle different - except if he is a glowing athelite. Grade school is the worst for these kids. One teacher, one classroom - all year. No real sports programs. And God help them if the teacher doesn't like or understand them.
I have been crusading for Brian in school since he was in Kindergarten. His dad was contantly moving, constantly changing girlfriends, following me everywhere, breaking into my house, threatening me, taking Brian with him into bars, beating people up in front of Brian and basically behaving like a nut to be quite honest. There is just story after story until I sued for full custody after my x disappeared with Brian while I was away training loan officers. Every time I had to let Brian stay with him, I could not sleep. I would go the whole 48 hours without one minute of sleep. All the while trying to keep up on Brian's focus on school. I haven't even begun to discuss what it was like for Brian. He is a survivor, a real hero.
Getting my arms wrapped around this kid's life with his dad and reining it all in is my greatest achievement to date. My friends still cannot believe it. It took everything I had, emotionally and financially to save Brian from his dad's problems. I felt responsible, like wantingthe divorce forced Brian into this hell with his dad. Taking it all on and fighting back caused my health to suffer...frankly, it almost killed me. I am still recovering....and so is Brian. Every now and then I flash on one of the stories and a tear runs down my face. Brian is so strong...we've come so far.
I still have trouble sleeping and wonder if I will ever see the day that Brian and my world is the way I vision it....happy...content...simple...with loads of laughter. We've got the love thing going on...and we do laugh quite a bit. We still dance around the living room and lately that includes chasing his dog to the music. Anyone that comes around us for very long knows love lives large under my roof. It is one of the reasons I don't see men for very long...so many are love-LESS...and no fun...why would I want to take that on too? If a man isn't going to fall in love with me...and bring more love into our lives....restoring and replenishing the soul...then I want them to just go away and stay away NOW. Brian and I are doing fine thank you. I don't want the distraction of some man's screwed up, closed down heart.
So one can imagine when a teacher starts in on Brian, along with a Principal and my x sitting there nodding his head in agreement I feel like letting out a primal scream along with standing up, throwing a fit with my arms and tell them all to f___ off. But of course I don't. I breathe in and out and try to keep my redheaded temper in tact with a group of clueless people who don't know Brian. I have read volumes on learning difficulties, ADD, ADHD, thyroid, Edison and his life, long chain fatty acid depletion...you name it, and here I am the subject matter expert talking to people who just want to medicate Brian. Ritalin...uh....HELL NO.
First off, Brian is not hyperactive. He is a day-dreamer, who imagines inovative games for his friends to play. He is popular and well-liked. He loves to do math, draw, color and paint, tell stories, laugh, play baseball, handball, kickball, soccer, football, basketball, video games and sword fights. (Yeh with a mom who's screen name is Rapieress - after the sword used by the Three Musketeers - the sword fighting thing should come as no big shock). He loves to build lego airplaines and star fighters.
Brian's weakness is in audio processing. If it is a standard lecture where the teacher is giving a list of verbal instruction, without writing or interaction, they will lose Brian. He will be off in his head dreaming of creating a special sword that can kill a dragon in one blow. As a x corporate trainer I have tried gently to explain modern teaching techniques that require an interactive classroom. When I was taught to be a trainer, it was pointed out to me that there are three distinct learning styles. People learn by hearing, or by doing or by seeing. I was taught that if I only used one teaching style I would lose two thirds of the class.
Thus, to teach in corporate america I was instructed to give paperwork or have a computer for those that learn by doing, a visual demonstration for those that learn by seeing, and a lecture for those who learn by hearing. I was taught not to move around the room as not to distract from the materials. One can imagine how much teachers dislike me when I suggest this approach in their classrooms. I am the dreaded, sometimes hated mother of that wonderful boy Brian who just won't drug her son. I wear that label like a badge of honor. I am treated as if I have no clue as to what is best for my son.
In this particular parent teacher conference the teacher literally said, "If you do not handle this now, then your son will be a failure." He is 10, in 4th grade...I wanted to come across the table and choke her and yell "How dare you call yourself a teacher!" I have been "handling" this since Brian entered school. I have purchased interactive computer programs, had my mother privately tutor him two days a week, and read every single publication and reasearch on learning differences. As an adult I have come to learn that the most successful adults I know struggled in school. How dare she predict my son's future. Not to mention this teacher and Principal are clueless as to the kind of survivor Brian is. He will do great things. I admire him every moment I am with him. I am glad he chose me to be his mom.
The Principal also started down this road, until I flipped the meeting around and treated it like one of my corporate meetings where I wanted something that accounting and management said could not be done. I am not particularly pleasent when I have my facts and go down this road. In corporate america I usually get what I want. The Principal could tell that I was not about to be bullied and tried back peddling. I was relentless and made him start a list for Brian for 5th grade. I told him I would be sending him a more complete list before the end of June. God bless Tom Cruise's mom and all other mothers who fight for these kids. And may there be a special place in heaven for any teachers out there who understand and work with these kids.
In the meantime, I began researching the link between LCP (long chain polyunsaturated fatty acids) depletion in children with ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia and Dyspraxia. I am going to start Brian on a supplement program with vitamins that include zinc and magnesium. I am looking to Neuro-DHA softgells by Metabolic Response Modifiers. The difference can be seen in as little as 72 hours to 3 months. This will give us the summer to work on increasing Brian's LCP levels. Considering what trauma Brian lived through, and even myself, it won't hurt to beef up our vitamins and LCP levels.
I pray this new research works for Brian, because I don't ever want to stimulate the imagination out of him. Ironic that we teach "Just say no to drugs" to kids and yet want to run to drugs if something doesn't fit the norm. What are we really teaching these kids about overcoming? When life is challenging, do we just pop a pill and forget about it?
Besides, I think Brian deserves a medal for surviving the period of time that his dad was out of control and I was traveling thousands of miles away. He deserves to have me fight for him and finally have his father make amends. They will have to hold a gun to my back to make me give up and place him on some stimulant to make it easier on the teacher and the system. To hell with that...I have always done things my way and have rarely regretted it.
My heart goes out to all parents facing such choices and trying the road less traveled.
Until next time...
C
PS. I feel my imaginary lover is good at helping kids with homework...oh yeah and is not afraid of love.
