We've all seen them, those contemptibly narrow in outlook people with 'petty little comments or deeds' who disgust us with their small-minded pettiness. Those passive aggressive fits they have over relatively nothing... the obsessing over crap that just doesn't matter. The girl that uses her keys to mark cars she thinks are parking in the spot she wants. The the guy who pees on another's gym bag because he got the starting shot. The the woman who must email other women they believe their boyfriend might have an affair with, even though the other women live 5 million miles away. The the person who slows down when you are in a hurry. The co-worker who tries to sabotage your work. Sometimes it shows itself in people who get upset over nothing of great importance. They take their anger to a level few understand, twisting and turning over and over in their heads the deed that gave them their self righteous indignation over something trivial. Leaving the rest of us to scratch our heads in a "Huh?" as we slowly back away and try to distance ourselves.
I don't know if it is the full moon this week, but I noticed this petty mindedness and pondered what makes people like this. You'd think they'd understand life is just too damn short. My theory is people like this are so miserably unhappy in their life with no goals, plans, or real thoughts for their life (and taking the necessary steps to implement their dreams) so they stand around and stare out at the world through a very pessimistic and jealous view. Some have a grandiose view of their importance in this world and have no clue that we don't give a shit.
I notice that my friend Stephanie, who is very fit and very beautiful, deals with women who immediately don't like her because of what she looks like. I have seen it happen to her first hand and it blows me away. I think beautiful, wonderful women are great. So are men of the same type for that matter. I guess there is prejudice of varying degrees no matter who or what you are. I prefer to admire a person's soul, not what they look like or what they drive, wear, etc. It is the inner person you end up hanging out with - the other fades with time. When Stephanie notices the looks and comments from other women I am at a loss for words to comfort her and want to apologize for the small minded women everywhere.
This week I was also thinking about the loss of my dad, and how terribly short life is. Maybe when you get sick and have to take tiny little pills the rest of your life you begin to really value your whole entire life - even the itty bitty details. Every day I thank the heavens above for Brian and every aspect of my life. It only takes a day for everything to change. Do I want more from life? Sure, but every day that I take a breath and walk this earth is a piece of heaven spent - no matter how difficult or laborious.
Maybe I was feeling signs of things to come as Stephanie calls to inform me that a friend's sister was in a car accident and the sister's boyfriend died. The sister is in the hospital. They were in a car accident leaving the party Saturday night. I said my prayers for the family and then thanked God for my life as it is thank you very much.
Today Dale, my boss, friend and hero calls me. "I need your help with some things" he says beginning the call. I reply in humor "I'm BUSY!! Leave me alone!" as we both laugh. He stops, "Cath, my father died last night." A pin drops. "What?" respond, as I go into shock, "He wasn't sick was he?" I ask. "No, he was driving back from Utah and fell asleep at the wheel and hit a semi head on. He died instantly." Tears begin to fall down my face as I say, "I am so sorry, oh my dear God, I am so sorry." We talk for a while about his dad, my dad and the loss of those we love. He lost his mother at the beginning of this year. Years like this knock you to the floor. I still remember all to well the year my father died. We swam in the mud swamps of hell. The sticky mud of pain clinging like glue. One bad experience after another, slapping us back down into the mud. You begin to think you will never laugh again, or be free. The mud seems to cling to you forever. Until one day you remember how precious life is, and suddenly you hear the sound of your own laughter. The magic that is life returns.
So there it was with Dale, the moment that makes us remember what really matters in life. The story that makes us remember the mud and how everything can change in just one instant. The love I feel for Brian, my mother, brother, family and friends is all that matters. The things we do that make people remember our love for a lifetime is the most important gift. Nothing else. Not the who-is-parked-where-I-want-to-park so called problems, or who-did-what-to-whom prejudices, or the pouting-for-what-we-think-we-want behavior. It's about trying to experience love every free breathing day we have. There is an end to everyone's life. The story does finish. It doesn't matter if you are the President or the homeless man on the corner - it will end the same for both. I make sure every time I say goodbye to someone I care for, I include those precious three words, "I love you."
How do you want to remember life or be remembered?
I want to remember how much love I gave away and how lucky I was to be loved by the people who love me - past and present. I don't need some Christmas Ghost of past or present rattling his chains on Christmas Eve to remind me the value of this life, and how unimportant so many things are.
My dear Dale, how my heart goes out to him and his family. "God bless us, everyone."
C
PS. I love you too.
