Leonard Louis Levinson once was quoted as stating that, "A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them".
I am often surprised by the way people view their own lives. If we could just have the benefit of stepping outside oursleves and view our lives as a stranger. I wonder what glory we would see that we don't when, "in the picture".
This week I listened as people picked their lives apart. People are always telling me how difficult single motherhood is, but for some reason I just don't hear them. When I first moved to this tiny place Brian and I now call home I was determined to create a magical place, a sanctuary from the outside world. We used to love to read, "A Secret Garden" and I wanted to somehow create that same magic here in our little home.
After my divorce it seemed we were starting with less than zero. All I had was my love of Brian, some fun ideas and my love of music. There was no cable television, no couch - I had given up many things. I was determined to start a new and create a different life. In the empty spaces that occupied these new walls, I began to paint and decorate while we listened to grand musical classics.
Inch by inch our new home began to take on a character and life of its own. From the lush gardens that spring forth new life to our 'wall of wishes' that hang over the couch, each becoming a tribute to how far we have come. Has it been easy? I suppose not, but I really do love every minute. I am free, free to create whatever future I can imagine and hold on to. Have I been frightened? Oh hell yeh, many many times, and we all know I have survived some horiffic experiences.
But in these years I have had so much magic too. Everyday I can always find something to laugh at, or be grateful for. Even those situationsthat I don't much like...oh lordy don't get me started (*wink*). This is why it is difficult for me to understand people who must always look for the bad in life...to always be upset about something...or mad at someone. It is so tiring. I can only get on my own pity train just long enough to find something to laugh at. Life is so short and moves so fast.
I call the constant complaining the "Eyore syndrome" - you know - that sawdust stuffed donkey from Winnie The Pooh who is always depressed. Except in its human adult form it as if nothing ever satisfies these people. They have no clue what a downer they are. They quite litterally suck the life out of the air.
After Mark, I dated Patrick in those first years of my divorce. Patrick was freshly seperated from a 20 year marriage. A local business owner, tall and good looking he had everything to look forward to. However, every single day that I knew him he was spouting something negative about someone or something. Someone was always out to get him. His divorce and failed marriage was all his x wifes fault. I think he must have driven her nuts with his constant bitching. Once she recovered from the shock of the end of her marriage, I imagine her having a glorious wonderful new life without him.
He used to leave money on his dresser as a test to anyone in his house to see if they would touch it. Imagine the energy wasted on counting that money every time someone was over? He once said to me, "I am so impressed that you have never touched my money". I laughed to myself as I thought, "I don't need you or your money". That should have been a great big ole clue that this guy would never understand me...and ICK I could never live with such a man!! Could you imagine?
When we fought, I loved the peaceful days spent not talking to him. I didn't have to hear another story about what is wrong in his life on that particular day. Or he long tirades over who had done him wrong or how crazy everyone else was. There he was, a man in great health withthree fine kids (who were also healthy) and he just couldn't find a way to enjoy any of it.
It was such a relief when he was gone from my life. I returned absolutely every thing he had ever given me. He couldn't understand why, but each time I looked at those things I thought of how little Patrick enjoyed life and how much I disliked being with him most of the time. It was sressful and draining - not what I wanted out of life. The things he gave me seemed to scream his negative sonnots around my place. I wanted them all gone.
It is interesting the things one will settle for when first divorced and trying to find our way. I doubt I would recognise Patrick if I passed him on the street, and if I did would probably prefer he pretend not to know me. If I met him for the first time today I would not go out with him. Funny how much we change...THANK GOD we are not still together. I would have missed out on so many wonderful experiences.
So here I was this week once again encountering people who were doing the "Eyore syndrome" - bitching and complaining. Or "Chicken-boning" themsleves and their lives, as I like to also call it. "Chicken-boning" is when one eats a piece of chicken to the bone and continues to pick at it. It makes me glad that I don't have to live with someone who is always seeing the sky as falling...or chicken-boning everything. Brian and I have the ability to chear eachother and look towards the sun. I don't want us to be around an Eyore on a regular basis.
As many of you know this is not an easy time for me, and yet I see the hope and possibilities and refuse to give up on my dreams. Every day brings with it the promise for a new life. Sometimes you just walk around a corner and suddenly everything changes. I refuse to settle for mediocraty. Just as my gardens spring forth new life, the seeds I am planting for my life will bring forth new magic in the years to come...just as long as I don't give up. Especially on those days where that cat has thrown up on Brian's backpack andhe's stepped in dog crap outside on the way to the car...in his brand new shoes...
My dear friends, you just will not let me give up. This week girls night reminded me ofthe parts of this town that I do still love. We had such a good time. Kimberly drug me outdoors all last weekend from one gardening center to another, Brian's garden is so incredible and he giggles every time he looks at it. I know these memories we are creating here will last him a lifetime. There is a peace that washes over me each time I hear that infectous giggle of his.
Next week Brian turns 10. Can you believe he is 10 already? Where does the time go? He is such a little man. His father went on his school hiking field trip this week. Brian was so excited that he got up that morning at 6 am. I can't get him out of bed at 7 on a regular school day!! But there his was - his face leaning over my face saying "MOM! Get up!" . I thought aliens had kidnapped my son and replaced him with this new kid. He even made his bed...I almost fainted. I think something shifted in the Matrix...
SO my friends, thank you for your love and support and for always helping me keep my eyes towards the sun...I love you all.
Until next time...may your real life lovers live up to your imagination...
C
