Well my friends it is Friday once again. I think we survived that whole Spring Forward time thing. Isn’t it just as fun as a root canal to get kids to adjust to an hour earlier bedtime? I do like coming home while it is still light…. it leaves me with more time on my hands to get into trouble. This is just what the redhead needs…. more trouble.
I don’t feel a mole anymore…although my skin is pale enough these days… sit down…this rant is a long one.
This week started with a trip to Heidi’s house. Heidi, I hope it is ok to use your real name. If not, we can call you something else…Hilda?
Saturday night, Brian is with his dad and my left rear brake light is out. Now if you don’t know Heidi, she is one of my x bosses. Somehow I always end up with x bosses as best friends. I think it is because we end up traveling and hanging outside of work together. By the time I leave their employ I have so much dirt on them that they must stay friends with me for life. Heidi is this petite thing with bodacious sized ta tas, who walks shoulders back - face to the air. She's an x Jersey girl - need I say more? She is a blond German who also spent time living in Florida, before running away to the wine country. (I do really like to think that everyone moves here looking for someone like me). She figured it would be cheaper (and safer) to live right next door to the wine she drinks. After becoming her friend, I would give a resounding "Yes" to that.
I love Heidi's solutions to life's problems, "Come over, have snack, drink wine and we'll fix your light together." As most of you know, that lethal combination\invitation is always a recipe for hilarity. What will I wear?
Since I was still in my same sweat clothes and hand my hair in a pony tail, I knew I wasn't going to go do my usual Saturday-night-sit-in-the-sexual-book-section-of-Borders reading about the latest heavy breathing exercises which involve some sort of vegetable. Yes, I did say vegetable. So off I go to Heidi's playhouse.
I arrive, and Heidi opens the door in her version of sweats, which I might add are entirely different than my version of sweats. My version of sweats looks morelike I played tackle football in white bleach, however I do have on REAL running shoes (not that I run these days). Her idea is Capri looking cute sweat pant things with a little top and PINK slip on tennis shoes - pink! (I was so jealous). There's a little band in her hair. I just wanted to spill something on her and make her look more like me.
With a screwdriver in one hand and a cigarette in another (no wine yet - we need to focus) she leads me off the porch to the rear of my truck. Within 2 minutes we have the rear light cover off and have pulled the blown bulb out. If you ask why it took two of us to do this, it is the same reason why we go to bathrooms in pairs. GET OVER IT! At least we aren?t asking you!
Off we go in Heidi's little motorcar to the parts store, bulb in hand. I feel this triumphant pride as I stand at the counter like I am achieving some high level male honor because I am a female doing this - a redhead to boot. Heidi waits. Now, the one thing that is funny about auto part stores is there just isn't much for a princess to window shop through while waiting. I mean I am sorry guys, I know the sight of custom-fit and universal-fit items just makes your day, but for Heidi, and more importantly me, it just isn't a thrill. Heidi does what all us women do when forced to wait in an auto store - she goes to look at air fresheners and steering wheel covers.
I step up to the counter and hand over the bulb. Quite proudly, I rattle off the year, make and model of my truck, because I have always heard guys hate it when we don't know that. Yeh, like they know exactly how many kitchen plates they have. I have 10 thank you. The guy looks at the bulb, and looks at me kinda funny. I expect him to open some book and look up a part number, then start skimming shelves in back for just the right part. No, he walks from behind the counter, out into the store to a light bulb section, leans over, matches the bulb by sight and hands me a new bulb packet. Ummmm I coulda done that...
I walk over to Heidi who is commenting on the type of man that would go with each air freshener. You have the pine tree for that outdoor-I-like-to-camp kind of a guy. You have the new car smell for the salesman type, who likes to pretend everything is newer than it is. Or the religious one for either the recovering addict or he's driving his mom's car. I started thinking that maybe I could have saved myself a lot of dating troubles if I had just looked at the men's car air fresheners. It would have said so much about them. Then, we started talking about my dream man and what his air freshener could be. Ocean breeze scent? First Class Round trip Hawaii scent? Levi jeans, wind in hair, no shirt scent? Oh the list is endless...
Only Heidi and I could spend 5 minutes in an auto store conjuring up the perfect kind of guy air freshener for me. With fits of laughter, we leave the store. Once in her car she hooks up her downloaded MP3 songs to her stereo and out comes Atlanta Rhythm Section's "Imaginary Lovers". I have not heard this song in years. How perfect.
Imaginary lovers
Never turn you down
When all the others turn you away
They're around
It's my private pleasure
Midnight fantasy
Someone to share my
Wildest dreams with me.
Imaginary lover you're mine anytime
Imaginary lovers.
Now I am thinking whoever wrote this is a friggin genius and just gets it on so many levels. And, of course if you know me and Heidi we are just singing this as loud as we possibly can. It's amazing how many other drivers will get out of our way when we are singing in the car. I even car dance.
When ordinary lovers
Don't feel what you feel...
And real-life situations lose their thrill,
Imagination's unreal
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You're mine anytime
You got that right baby. So we drive to her house as the song ends on
Imaginary lovers never disagree
They always care
They're always there when
You need satisfaction guaranteed
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You're mine all the time
My imaginary lover,
You're mine anytime.
And I am thinking this is my new theme song. Which moves Heidi and I from the perfect air freshener guy to my perfect imaginary guy. (I am thinking one who would friggin take my truck and put the light in while I am drinking a glass of wine with my friend sounds perfect right now). Heidi and I replace the light with great success, and since this was such hard work we really need to go in her house, sit down and drink wine.
As weeks go it was a fairly decent one. The process server for the attorney representing some people who are suing one of my clients did finally serve me. From what I hear I really pissed off this server as I lead such an erratic schedule, it took him a month to find me to serve me. Just try dating me bub. I am actually quite proud of this and had to grin when he caught up with me on Thursday. I think this guy has a future in torturing small fury animals in some lab.
Wednesday was girls night, except many of the girls flaked. YES THIS MEANS YOU. Cold weather drives many princesses indoors for the night. Some find men to cuddle so they can be warm - not Heidi and I (she does have a husband by the way). Off we go Wednesday night to picnic at Paradise Ridge Winery, where for a glass of wine, you can sit on their balcony and eat your own snacks. All while staring out at the whole Sonoma Valley when the sun is setting. It was spectacular!! Cold, but spectacular.
Once again the subject of me and men comes up. This seems to be a running theme of hilarity between me and my girlfriends. Heidi and I are talking about the men in my life, from my x bosses, to friends, to x lovers and all the funny stories having to do with them, when she blurts out, "Do each of them know they are not the only men you treat that way?" I almost spit my olive out as I start to laugh. "What way?" I say through gasps of laughter. She says "YOUR WAY Your redheaded way." I knew what she means and by this time the look on her face is making me laugh so hard that I snort. This became the "do they know" theme for the evening.
We leave the winery and meander on down to the Equis bar to finish the sunset someplace warm. It's got a business crowd and we sit at the bar. I order my decaf coffee and she orders her wine. We are just beginning to continue our conversation on why I like the idea of an imaginary man, when we hear this beautiful soft piano in the back. How nice I think, until this voice starts singing, "Chances are, because I wear a silly grin..." Slowly Heidi and turn, lean back and gaze down to the end of the bar. Yes folks - it's classical music Karaoke night. I did not even know such a thing existed until this moment. I turn to Heidi, who says in her most perfect Jersey accent, "What the fu**??" I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop the escaping laughter. Ok...my imaginary man definitely does NOT sing classical karaoke in a 5 star restaurant bar. We survive this theatrical rendition of Chances Are only to have it replaced by. "New York, New York". Heidi, who is a true New York Broadway stage connoisseur says. "Oh no, we have to leave!" through her own laughter. We drove home in fits of laughter wondering the types of songs my imaginary man might sing to me. Some of might say, "Tainted Love".
I see Heidi again for a girl's nail session tonight where I am sure we will continue our topic of imaginary lovers. Do you have one? What is he or she like? Better yet, wanna take a stab at commenting on mine? Have at it. Post me some comments here, or im or email me like you always do. Hugs to you all. I gotta run to that appointment.
Until next Friday...may all your redheaded thoughts be about me.
C
