After 14 days of not being with Brian (in the sense of Brian sleeping over) my x husband takes Brian for what should (note the word should) be the beginning of a “week on” for Brian with his dad. I was at the verge of crashing. All week I could feel it coming on - like a car that is sent reeling over a cliff in an accident, no matter how much you try to steer it, eventually you crash to the ground. Thus Friday night the ground greeted me as this disease kicks my butt and sends me to bed. I cry myself to sleep because there is so much I want to do and no energy to make it happen. These wonderful thoughts race around in my head, but my body tells me it has had enough and I must sleep.
I awake late Saturday afternoon to no heat, no hot water and no oven. I called Bill, the handyman, who thinks all single mothers are angels, races over to see what was the problem. Here I am in my jammies, hair in a pigtail answering the door. I have piles of folded clothes everywhere, as it takes every bit of energy I have just to keep up with Brian, let alone keep the laundry clean and in drawers. I figure, “Hey I am at least clean” and let him in.
I leave to pick up an increased dose of my meds in the hope that it will get me back on my feet and thank God that Walgreen’s has a drive through pharmacy. Upon return to my place Bill is fixing the garbage disposal, ordering a new fridge and petty much taking over taking care of me. God love handymen. I take my meds, and begin to put my place back together from the 14 days of Brian. Midday I notice I am feeling much better and really decide to go at our home, as if guests are coming with Bill working away on everything he finds wrong (turns out to be a problem with the main fuse outside - eventually PG & E will have to come this week for a complete repair).
By Saturday evening, thanks to Bill's efforts I have heat, a beautifully clean place, a hot shower, a new book, sushi, candles and energy to complete a half hour of yoga. I am coming back. Sunday morning I arise with energy enough for church and a little shopping. In the middle of staring at some beautiful paintings my x husband phones, “Can you take Brian?” his first words. “It’s only been 36 hours, why?” I respond. “Well I have this thing at 4” (Which I know means female) he answers. Silence grips me as I am torn about this. If I say no, he will jockey Brian to his mother’s house or someone else. “I need to call you back” I answer and hang up the phone. Anger engulfs me like a blanket and I try to breathe to contain my rage.
Recently, Brian told me that his biggest wish is that his Dad not date for a year and spend time with him - instead of it always being about someone else. And here it is, once again. I often think of the song, Cats In The Cradle when I experience this with Brian and his dad ("...the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon. "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,But we'll get together then, dad. You know we'll have a good time then...")
I know that you cannot change other people, only yourself. Growing up I was always welcome at home and my parents did everything to provide a good home life for us. How can I say no? No is like telling a child they cannot come home. It isn’t in me to do that and I can’t change Brian’s dad. I call him back and ask what time. My brief rest is already over.
Now, I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to make this a wonderful experience for Brian. It is a stormy Sunday, so I return home to light a fire, light all the candles and turn on launch cast radio to Movie music (http://radio.launch.yahoo.com/radio/clientdata/1/player.asp?cid=1&iid=1<w=LaunchRadioTarget&p=1&m=1102&d=0&modeInitialized=1&mode=1&resized=1&bridgeInit=1&bridgeMode=1 ) under More Genres – Film Scores.
I prepare Brownie mix and put our favorite movie “A Princess Bride” into the VCR. We like to play a game where we put ina movie and listen to Launchcast Film scores with the sound turned off on the TV. The movie then plays like this opera and it is amazing how well the music fits with the movie.
“Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.”
The back door opens and in runs Brian full of energy and thrilled to be home. Hs dad sheepishly says hello as Brian dog comes too and I manage a smile while thinking “You are such an ass”. The smell of brownies fill the air and I can tell by my x husbands face as he surveys the candles, fire and comfort of the place that he would like to hang.
I can think of his neck…
I open the back door and stand with my hand on the door handle, indicating his time is done. “I will call you on my way back” he says. (Yeah right). I notice Brian’s school backpack, which indicates to me his dad is hoping to be laid and leaving his options open. How this man still underestimates me.
Once gone, I sit down with Brian to teach him the art of Origami boat making. It is the perfect rainy day for chasing boats down rushing water. It takes me back to when I was his age and my best friend Nancy, who was Japanese, would sit with me and fold paper for hours on end. We would end up dawning raincoats and chasing our creations until they were swiftly eaten by a storm drain and sent to sea. We would imagine them floating all the way to Japan.
Music fills the air and I think there is nothing more perfect than this moment. Herein lies my quandary. I can spend this time being angry and frustrated at Brian’s dad or I can accept it for what it is. I waited my whole life for God to send me an angel. I had no idea it would be Brian. Often, I watch Brian in awe, as I feel grateful that his spirit chose me to come visit with for a while on earth.
Whatever it is on the ‘other side” Brian decided I was the one he wanted to learn from. And here he is. Is being mad that I do not get enough rest really worth not enjoying this brief time Brian is in my world? At some point we will be separated again, just as it is with my father and me. I often ask myself “If this were my last day on earth what would I do?” Well I would spend every inch of it with Brian. Life is an uncertain roll of the dice, and during this roll I want to spend it with him. I know these are the memories that will last Brian a lifetime. There is no doubt in Brian’s heart that I love him more than anything.
With that said, it is time to make dinner and talk about the week coming over bites of delicious food. My own life is just going to have to wait.
Until next time-
C
PS. "Life is pain, your Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
