My mother often tells me, "Everything can change in just a day Cath, you will see. One day you spin around and everything is different."
I just wish it would hurry up.
This coming March 30th will mark one year that I have been blogging here. A year of opening my heart and soul to the world. My first entry was called "In the beginning" (http://journals.aol.com/rapieress/Aweekinthelife/entries/59). I look at the photo of myself and wonder if I will ever get her back.
Tuesday morning at 9:30 I meet with the new Doctor with a new way of looking at my thyroid disease. I have no idea where it will lead. I can only hope that it somehow removes the shackles from my ankles and sets me free to have the energy to live the life that spins around in my head.
I haven't fallen in love in such a long time. I worry that I may not be able to anymore. I have put so much into helping Brian and making his life better, especially with his father. There were friends who didn't think I would be able to do this - not because of my abilities - but because Brian's dad was so unreasonable (and often insane). I just never gave up.
It has taken its toll on me. The well of Catherine has quenched many a soul's thirst, but no one (not even me) has been replenishing the well. I started the blog, because I once believed that if you kept a diary, and wrote your thoughts, your life could completely change. Since I love to write - it is such a passion. I hoped it would help restore my soul. I see that Brian's life has changed. My dreams for him are slowly coming true. But for me, my own, I am not seeing it. maybe it is one of those cases of being "in the picture" and not being able to see the frame.
If you don't know me you might not know that I tend to push and push and push at something until I overcome it. However ...the thyroid thing and the changing my life thing haven't exactly been budging. Every time I think I am turning a corner ...
I ran into Oscar at Albertson's tonight. Well...I didn't run into him exactly. I was racing through the store at 80 miles an hour and slowed down at the eggs. It turned out to be one second too long. Approaching me is this tall, handsome, dark haired man. It takes me a second because I ALWAYS check him out before I realize "Oh crap!" and recognize him. It is something in the way his eyes look at me ... like I make him twisted up inside himself. When my eyes meet his I have to glance away, because I don't want to get sucked in. I don't want to talk with him - why is he approaching me?
More to the point - I don't believe in coincidences. Why am I always running into him in Albertson's?
Somehow I manage to avoid him, but not tonight. He goes out of his way to approach me. I wonder how in the hell he caught me speeding through the isles. He says "Hello" and looks straight at me. He is approaching me to have a conversation - GOD NO! I look at his eyes and think "Oh hell no you don't even get one moment of me!" and I maneuver the cart around him, racing off as fast as my slip on shoes will carry me. I sort of put up a hand waving him off as I race away down the closest isle.
There is no Prince Charming there just a man afraid of getting hurt, who's eyes, if they mean anything, say he is hurt. It is interesting how fear of getting hurt, just never seems to protect us from getting hurt. It must be some strange law of hurt physics.
But then, I always have been the girl the guy wants after I am not available anymore.
I wouldsure like to change the physics of this too.
Until next time-
C
