Another week gone, Brian returns to his father's house. Our place becomes quiet as remnants of Brian's world lay cast about the rooms. A dirty sock by the back door, another next to the dog dish, lego pieces on the bookcase and fireplace mantle, star wars miniatures on the bar of soap in the bathroom, his calculator on my bed. Each item tells a story of the events of the week. I miss him already.
Brian's best friend Alex is moving this weekend. I haven't written about it, because there has just been so much other crap. The whole Alex-is-moving saga is beyond what I want to focus on. Now it is here - up in my face as Alex comes by to give me a hug this evening. Alex has been a part of our family for two years. I love him enough to adopt him if needed. Brian and I have made sure he was fed, clothes were clean and he was able to relax at being a boy in our home. [SIGH]
McYummy says, "Catherine, my dear, you completely suck at goodbyes."
Oh hell yeah.
It's why it is hard for me to get close to people or let someone back that I have written off. The process is like cutting off a part of myself and sending it to worlds far away. There are those I miss to this day. There is my dad, of course, and Elisabeth; there's Steve and Gary. There is Ezra and Jordan, boys who could drive me nuts while wanting to spoil them rotten. There is Uncle Bud and Grandma Whin. There is Mark and there is Joy. Some... are better to miss than to enjoy...
I am tired of it though. Tired of saying goodbye to people I love, as they go off into the world. Although ... there are some people (like my x husband) I think will never go away. And... a couple of people who read this blog. There's always hope...?
Maybe if I just wish everyone would go away, then no one would? Ahhh... but this is not how life works is it?
It is more difficult to watch our children go through it though. Yesterday I was trying to convince Brian that he would still see Alex quite a bit. My best friend in high school lived 40 minutes away. She practically lived in our house. My dad called her "daughter number two". She was with me through my father's death, sharing the pain. I think it changed her as much as it changed me. She married my best friend Joe and is still a part of my life today. We have even shared several goodbyes - when she moved to be with her family in Portland Oregon. Eventually. she moved back.
For me, I think the hardest part of seeing Brian's friends move away is the fact that I wanted three kids, two cars, a dog, a cat and a good husband in our big house in the country. It just didn't work out that way. So, I sort of adopt these boys Brian brings around. It gives me the illusion of a house full of children.
I just went through another 'down period' with my thyroid and am finally feeling better today. Stress just kicks my ass. I am taking enough multi vitamins to choke a horse - trying to keep myself from crashing. Maybe it was meant to be that I don't have a bunch of other people to take care of, since I struggle with caring for myself.
Speaking of which - it's bedtime.
Until next time-
C
