Now if I can only make it center, but it is a start.
OIY ... I need to get a life!
Soas I interview and look about to find that next thing, today my xhusband comes into my office and asks to speak with me. "Are youseeing what's happening to you?" he asks. "What is happening tome?" I look up. "After that first intense interview you didn'trecover for three days, and I see you suffering with it all. Are you sure you can handle a full-time job?"
There it is ...you can hear a pin drop.
NowI ask myself, is this the afraid, not wanting me to leave him x, or ishe speaking from the heart? It is still difficult to gage. He issalesman, and a narcissist to boot. But a little voice in myheart tells me I am drowning. I am dog paddling a lifehere. But I don't think being around him too much is ever verygood for me overall. He is a drain on my energy. I justdon't know what it is and I don't know why I didn't see it when we weredating. Being around him is like dragging an anchor atsea. I know there will be some improvement from disconnecting.
Butcan I handle eight or more hours a day? There is this job 30minutes south of me that I would love to try. It is amulti-billion-dollar company provides hearing tools in schools forchildren with disabilities. Is this right up my ally orwhat? It's an inside sales job and talk about something I ampassionate about! I'd be able to see all the tools that mighthelp Brian ... and I would have access to them. Plus to be ableto helpother parents and their children… I would love it. However, it would be over an hour a day on the road plus the eighthours and the stress of learning a new job.
Dale, our broker and my x boss calls me today asking how my interviews are going. I know he doesn’t want me to leave, but understands I need to move on. He is the top name on my reference list. I ask about the company I interviewed with on Halloween, whether they have called him. He says no, but adds “You always ace the interview Cath.” Yeah well…maybe the old me. The COO has emailed me telling me I am in the running, and I relay this to Dale. “Do you want the job?” he asks. I tell him that I don’t know, that I am pissed that he hasn’t bothered to contact my references. I mean, I show up early, with a porfolio and a resume written just for the job. He knows everyone I worked with at ATG. I spend two and a half hours at their office. Isend a funny written card, followed up with a professional email thankyou with an attached PowerPoint presentation like he asked. And he can’t acknowledge my effort by calling my references? Oh but he will call an old boss of mine that I worked with at ATG if I can find him. Seems he was a neighbor and is just dying to talk with him. Did I start the job already? I did email the old ATG group, but no one has been able to come up with anything yet. SoI tell Dale, “What kind of boss will he be if he can’t even make aneffort to acknowledge the work I have done by calling at least oneperson on my references?” And Dale, wise man says “Exactly. I think that’s your answer.”
I am scared that I can't do the eight ours plus commute thing… not yet … but really ...I just don't know. Is my x sensing this and moving in on a openwound of mine ... or is he seeing what I refuse to admit? Thereis Stephanie out there who is offering something part-time that wouldwork, but it certainly isn’t something I am passionate about. It would buy me time to still work on getting well.
This afternoon, I talked with an old friend on the phone that deals with the same thyroid issues. He says over time it does improve. He is much better now after years on medication. I don’t have years … and I have a son to take care of. So the bigger question is can I take the high stress of the new job and push through it …if I can?
Meanwhile I meditate and pray for guidance. Something has to take hold. I just wish I felt better. I have to believe that it is all working in my favor and will turn out, as it should.
Until next time-C
http://journals.aol.com/rapieress/Aweekinthelife/
