"js (10/6/2005 4:58:51 PM): so are we gonna be able to meet anytime, or you gonna be super busy ? ....
js (10/6/2005 4:58:57 PM): or you just don't wanna ?
js (10/6/2005 4:59:18 PM): Mister Big wants to know..."
Sigh; as I live and breathe, there he is...BOOM... Mr. Big ...larger than life in a yahoo instant message. Not a made-up figment of my imagination, but a living, breathing, handsome, funny, main leading man in my theatrical plays that is my life.
God has the worst sense of humor, or timing, or both sometimes. Here I am, in such a lost place in my life and the one person who can take me into his arms and blow spark into my soul is traveling two hours south of me on a regular basis.
Finally, I get to be the mom I always wanted, and Brian and I are up to our ears in all his special studies and his football and his friends. This is the year, his time ... and he is so happy...so at peace...and he has me running around all over the place.
And reading that im, I think of laying in Mr. Big's arms, taking in his kindness, his great understanding of who I really am, to be at peace with a man that I love hanging with - only to pry my body from his tender grasp and say goodbye (one more time) and go back to my world without him. What happens if I don't want to say goodbye again? What if I don't have it in me to see him and know that in a few hours he will be on a plane flying thousands of miles from me, back into his world that is so far away from mine?
But oh how I love his humor, his laugh, his way of pulling me in to him and holding me tightly for hours, the story telling, the laughter... the laying there watching him smoke at the window... all too fleeting and gone in a flash. I know I would feel better, stronger in seeing him. I am the better me, the real me when I am with him, but...
There is always that damn 'but'...
I have known this Mr. Big 5+ years now. When we first met, he liked ICQ and taught me to chat 'real time' through their instant message service. India owned ICQ back then and instant messaging in their real time format was a surreal experience. It was like having someone in your brain with you, chatting soul to soul. So few people understand the significance of getting to know someone's mind and falling in love with it, like a step back in time to the great love letters across vast continents.
Mr. Big is never judgmental with me, granted we have fought - some doozies let me tell you. Once I didn't speak to him for almost a year. But I found life dull without my personal 'touchstone' - Mr. Big. I never have to explain my writings, my humor, my positions, he gets it and finds me hilariously goofy, in that loving benevolent way of his. I felt lost without his checking up on me, his late night phone calls, laughing me to sleep, our instant messages that left my sides aching with laughter. I came to the conclusion that although we could never mesh our lives under one roof for too many private reasons to explain here, I wanted him in my life.
More than his ability to understand my craziness is the connection that sparks when we chat online, the blending of two quick minds. It becomes this chat in my head as if it is one voice, one mind. It is a soft whisper of my conscience answering back, making laughter and joy. When Star Trek invented the "Vulcan mind - melt" little did we realize far before its time that internet chatting with a rare few becomes just this 'melt'.
Unconditional love is difficult to find among the adults of this world. Children and dogs try and teach adults how to behave this way in love, but few too many don't hear or see it, or aren't motivated to try it. So many want to place judgement, question, push, comment, remark and chicken bone a person to death. And then wonder why in the hell the person doesn't want to have anything to do with them. Mr. Big loves me unconditionally, like a great friend. I know in my heart that if I was ever in desperate trouble he would help me without thought (of course we all know how stubborn I am and I would never ask, but it is a thought that comforts me some nights when I am alone trying to fall asleep in my bed).
Mr. Big loves to laugh and make fun of the men I have dated. His favorite question is, "Whats wrong with dis one?" and I answer "Besides him not being you...?" and then I proceed to tell him the problem. He usually laughs and laughs and then says "What a fuc*in idiot, those men out there are clueless". Uh, no duh. California creates its own breed of men.
And since I am not able to leave California at this time in my life, I am forced to deal with the reality of the men here, and hope to raise my son up to be different. With that said, there is no room that I can find to steal myself away for a night or two and be re-charged in the arms of a dear dear man.
Life...
C
