Ok, so I am getting some push to date again, but let us talk about where I have been. We know I have been lucky enough to date a couple of Mr. Bigs in my day, but what else? How about my dating mistakes, the ones I will never make again?
I did try Match.com some years back, based on a suggestion from a friend. Mental note to selves: Never take dating advise from friends who have been married over 5 years. Technology changes too quickly for them and they believe the advertising they see on TV.
Match.com is really more an: "IamlookingforsexandnothingseriousandImightbewierd.com”
Now mind you I am a tech brain, so I believe in giving the Internet a chance at many things. But match sites? I will get to this later.
So, I go out and explore match.com, fill out the profile and go shopping for men. The idea of ordering up a man like a pair of leather boots is appealing at first glance, but when we catalog order a wardrobe, does it ever really fit us the way it looks in the photo?
I forget how I got my match with Dan exactly, but he was from my town. How lucky for me (eye roll) to actually date someone who isn't in another state. He is in my world - in my town and not married (gulp). We write back in forth within the safety of match.com and eventually take it outside match.com to yahoo chat. We then chat further in yahoo instant message before we meet. We eventually take it to the phone and seem to click well enough. Hey this techo date thing might actually work.
He is a government worker from southern California who transferred up here for a special project and is impressed that I am self-employed. Yeh, a single mother who is self employed - it means I know how to starve to death on a level he is not capable of understanding.
His son is in college and I have a grade schooler. One would think this could be a connection point for us...uh no. I will explain later. Eventually we agree to meet in this local Irish restaurant. We meet and he likes me instantly and I think he is cute enough. It is fun and we have a good time.
We go home separately, and he calls when he says he will call. This is a good thing (pay attention guys - women like this). I am thinking this match. com thing might work. Whew - computers have come of age. Ta Da!
We have a second date and he takes me to his place. We are having fun; he can cook and has nice furniture. I am missing Mr. Big Number Two though, but realize it isn't fair to compare an over-the-top date with an incredible man who lives many states away, with a guy from California. Also, my mind is distracted by my upcoming road trip for work. I have to go back to Chicago. I always think of Mr Big when I have to travel. His work is all travel and I like the connection we share in understanding commuting by airplanes.
However, I keep telling myself to stay in the game with Dan. Focus Catherine, focus. Dan shows me a photograph of his college son. "He is NO way in hell meeting you,” he says. "Excuse me?" I respond, snaping myself back to reality from a vision of Mr. Big in his business suit. "He will want to 'do' you - he has a thing for redheads, and I am not having that".
AND there it was - BOOM - the "OH MY GAWWD this guy is a freak" moment. "I am old enough to be his mother - I doubt he'd be interested,” I reply back waiting for him to laugh and tell me he is joking. "Ohhh noooo, he'd want you...just like I do...and I am not competing with my son" he continues. He is serious. Did space aliens suddenly transport me to Mars? I mean, what the fuc*? Ok... so now I am officially freaked out and want to go home.
Now he wants to kiss. Does the thought of his son doing me turn him on...?...ew. Or does he think it turns me on...?...ew ew. Ok, write this down men: freaking a woman out does not turn women on - even if she is a redhead.
I kiss him and begin doing the avoidance dance...you know...the one where you are moving your ass towards the nearest exit while they are distracted by a kiss. He senses he is losing me and runs his hand over my face like he is petting a cat backwards.
Yes, I did type that.
Now I am really having a 'what the fuc*' moment.
He tells me to close my eyes. I am backing up closing my eyes to appease him and get nearer to the door. Cause the big redheaded scene is coming and I am just warming up. He runs his hand over my face yet again and starts this "You are relaxed" voodoo-hypnosis weird crap I pray is a joke and hope he is yanking my chain. I slightly open an eye as he does it again and I realize that this idiot thinks he can hypnotize women. Does he not see that I am a redhead??? Give me a fuc*ing break here.
So now my feisty side is really setting in... I play along. I am a great actress when I am pissed off. I begin to act like I am being hypnotized as I am backing my rather round ass to the door. He is doing that whole, "You are relaxed - you are going deeper" bullshit and I am dying laughing inside as I fake going deeper (and no we are not in the missionery position here).
With great relief, my hand is behind me on the doorknob now. He says, "Now do what you really want to do to me". I open my eyes, shove him, open the door and run to my truck yelling " I am doing what I want to be doing ...I am doing what I want to be doing". I hop in my truck start it, trying to hurry as fast as I can. He is running out his door as I drive off acting like my eyes are completely shut. He puts his hands on his head as I drive by in my truck like I was in a trance.
Now Dan is calling my cell phone freaking that he thinks he has sent me driving off in a trance. I mean for *&^%$#%$^ sake does he really think he is that good? What an ego or good drugs or both. I get home, laughing my ass off and get on my pjs. I crawl in bed and after the 7th call, answer my phone. "Catherine, wake up" he says. I bury my face in my pillow to cover my hysterical laughs. "Dan, go away" I whisper, and hang up.
I cancelled my match.com account the next day and emailed Mr. Big to see when I could see him again. Even phone sex with Mr. Big would be better than a match.com date. I had to pack my bags for Chicago.
And this was a good date in California. Oh wait until you hear the rest...I am a whole lot braver than you think...
Until next time-
C
