It was an eventful week, well in the terms of my life.
I joined the gym and worked out. I still get tired after the work out, but I sleep like a baby. Baby sleep is heaven after almost three years of waking up, or staying up most of the night, and finally getting my best sleep at 6 am.
I was thinking about this on Thursday evening, when I saw Oscar at Brian's Back-To-School night. He was sitting on a stone wall at the edge of the garden, just off the playground. He was in jeans and a blue shirt. Somehow my eyes always find him in a crowd.
Oscar and I were dating as I just came into the disease. He was hurting, really bleeding from his own divorce, and there I was slowly deteriorating before his eyes. His wife had left him for someone else, and no matter how hard he tried to be a good guy, he was permanently damaged material. In spite of this, he did manage to chase me around my living room to lots of laughter.
Once when the doctors were still scratching their heads as to what was wrong, Oscar calls and says, "I know you feel like shi*, but I have this movie your son would like, and if you tell me what you both want, I'll bring it over and feed you both dinner." Brian wanted pizza, so Oscar ordered Brian's favorite and came over with some blood thirsty movie that Brian loved.
I layed on the couch in my jammies under a blanket while Oscar sat at the end, watching Brian and me. It was kind, because Brian must have been confused about what was happening to his once very lively mom, and there was Oscar bringing a normal Friday night into our home. I hate violent movies, so I spent most of the movie hidden under my blanket with Oscar and Brian making fun of me.
Once the movie ended, Oscar picked up the plates and bid us farewell and went on home. It was truly a kind jesture. I am not sure I ever really thanked him. I was so caught up in fear about what was happening to me and my body. My father was diagnosed with cancer when he was my age and was dead at 48. Every time a drop of my blood was drawn, an x-ray crossed my body, a sonogram, or an examination, I would remember my dad. It was hell.
Eventually I couldn't handle Oscar's hurt and my fear of what was happening to me and I pushed him away with all my might. He wasn't the guy for me, but that is not to say that I didn't find him wonderful. I loved our long phone conversations in the middle of the night, He would always seek me out online, and ask, "Can't sleep?" To which I'd reply, "No". He then would say "Want me to call you" and I'd say, "Yes please". The phone would ring before I could turn out the lights. I'd crawl in bed and Oscar would begin to tell me a story. I love a good story.
He'd get me to laugh and forget my fears. We'd talk of Mexico and business, work outs and chocolate, boys verses girls, children, you name it until he would wear me out with laughter. Exhausted I would begin to drift off. He would then say "It's time for sleep" and say good night.
He understood the hard time my x husband had given me. He told me that some men just don't ever forgive you for leaving, and since he thought I was especially sweet, he surmised that my x would attempt to haunt me forever. The prospect of this didn't seem to bother him much since he is twice my x husband's size. My x once said, "Gee that guy is big enough to kick my ass". Of which I responded "One can only hope..."
Oscar often would say, "Catherine you are like a beautiful fast train pulling out of the station and I am the guy left on the platform watching you speed off into an amazing future." I used to answer, "Then just get on before I leave". But he couldn't. He was too broken.
So there he was, the man I run from in Albertsons, who God with his sick sense of humor seems to enjoy throwing us togther, sitting just beyond me at my son's school night. I knew he had seen Brian perform, but I couldn't look at him. I couldn't go talk to him. It is just the way I am. I wouldn't talk to my x if it weren't for Brian. The women who come around him at the office think that he must be wonderful if his x wife is around. I am often amazed at how clueless women are to the fact that I am only around for Brian. All of this is about Brian, Oscar got that. He would say, "The kids come first".
I wonder if he could tell that I am doing better and am on my way back from hell. I saw him watch us we walked away to my son's classroom. He has this way of looking at me with these haunting gazes. (Maybe he is really thinking oh shit there she is - that redheaded nut! lol). Life is often so much about timing.
Brian is counting the days to the end of school. I am right there with him.
A woman I know in the business brought in 17 construction loans to the office on Thursday. I wanted to go away to Folsom and play this weekend, but it is looking more and more like there is too much work here.
I did manage to start painting the bathroom...
Hey - sex could be next.
Until next time-
C
