It's an odd thing when one lets go of ones life and lets it free fall where it may. In some ways its a bit of a hiding game, like hide and go seek in the daylight. I know we are all suppose to have a plan, a rudder to our ship of life. Successful gurus always spout the bilge of life is supported by a set plan.
Maybe during times of light wind sailing in our lives, we can pull up the rudder for a piece and just sail with the tide. Many helms believe that light winds are boring and offer no challenges, but I think it is in still waters and soft winds that the greatest challenges may come. An opportunity to change course with the wind, the tide and let go.
My x boss started the beginnings of his mortgage company this week. We have spoken everyday, just like a year ago. He is such a dear friend and the conversation flows with an ease of a soft piano concerto. My x husband is aligning his business up with my x boss, so I am in essence, surrounded by x's. My girlfriends always tell me that the men from my life never completely let me go.
And somehow, they turn to me to have control over the business mainsheet. As if I come with a magic magnetic compass that seems to find success like it is a small island just at the horizon. As I stare at this horizon, I realize this is not my dream of success, yet I find myself stering this ship of entrepreneurs gently toward their island of dreams. Have I moved so far into this world of my son's, I have somehow lost myself?
It is easy for me to advise loan officers, bankers, brokers and the like. I have been doing it for an untold number of years, all while setting aside my dream of writing the books that float about my head.
Several months back, I pushed myself away from my desk, emailed my clients and said I was done. This journal was up and running, and finally there was a small space in my life for art, and for writing. Interestingly enough, I began to feel better and the ravages of the symptoms of my disease began to ease.
Suddenly like the warmth of the sun on my face I began to feel the joy of being completely in my son's life. No cell phone always ringing, no stressed late night emails and faxes - a serene peace. No cubicle mole existance. No answering to anothers schedule or dictatorship. No schools of small minded gossiping individuals that seem to get in the way of the business at hand. I was set free - free to be a mom.
There is the reality that we live in the 4th most expensive county in the West and an artist can really starve here quite well. There is Brian, who goes through a pair of shoes a month. Now, I am faced with the prospect of building a mortgage company - from scratch. I adore my x boss, and miss him when we are not chatting. It is amazing how attached one can get to daily chats with someone. But a mortgage company? One that involves my x husband?
I sailed far and wide to leave the world I am now so immersed within, somehow the soft movement of the tide and the winds gently pushed me right back where I started. It creates stability for Brian when my x does well, which he can when managed. My x boss has reached out and said "Come along Cath" as he doesn't want the stress without me there to keep him laughing like I always do. What about my ship...?...my tiny little island of dreams?
I raised the rudder that directed my life course, threw up the sails of hope and let the winds of life carry me to a new destination. I find that I have drifted to a business opportunity right back into the career storm I weathered too many times to count.
Would Father Shaw say that this is spirit telling me what I am to do, that in the letting go, I have drifted right where I should be, for reasons I may not see for many years to come? Could this just be a small drop of water in vast sea of what will become Brian's great life ahead?
Or is this the moment to fight like hell, to place all my oars in the water and row like mad toward the island of my dreams? Would I have the strength to row against the current, against the tide - into the winds...?..
"O'er the ocean vast,
Palaces will gleam;
From the distant shore
Mountain tops will soar,
When this night has passed.
Under shady trees
We shall take our ease
Knowing all shall last
Come, sail with me, explore with me
The blue horizon of the sea..."
C
http://journals.aol.com/rapieress/Aweekinthelife/
