Finally, there are the Type 2's ... ones who get married and don't know how to tell you at first ...then tell you when you least expect it, like an asteroid falling from the sky out of nowhere. Which is fine, I mean, when is it a good time to say, "I am now married"? The issue I have is when that statement is followed with:
"But that won't change things between us, right"?
In my own life, my Mr. Type 2 cannot be blamed for the marriage bomb. We had more of a dance than a relationship, and often he would frustrate me and I would stop speaking to him for long periods of time.
Brilliantly funny like Mark and someone who I can be myself with, I would miss him when we would stop speaking and inevitably contact him to say just that. I do not believe in pride when it comes to matters of the heart. When my father died in front of me I realized at the young age of 18 that life is terribly short and there is no time like the present to tell people that you love them, regardless of how they might feel about you.
I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow everyone I know would say that I loved him or her deeply - without a doubt. I don't wait for the right moment to tell people that they matter. Everyone needs to matter to someone and the greatest gift we can give is to let the people we care about know. Some handle it well; others worry if there is strings - it isn't really love if there are strings...
I do remember when my Type 2 told me he had married in the year and a half we went without speaking. It felt like an arrow pierced my heart, shot from 5 feet away with all the might of Paul Bunyan. It is the type of shock where your soul drops out your backside to the floor like your shadow.
This kind of situation makes me think of that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan calls Billy Chrystal sobbing because her prior boyfriend is getting married. She isn't crying because she wants him, she is crying because it isn't her, she wasn't married and had no prospects in the near future. This is such a great "girl" moment in the movie.
When Mr. Type 2 and I finished our phone conversation, I called my friend Ebet and cried on the phone. There was never a future with Mr. Type 2 - he lived too far away, I no longer traveled, we had our children to think of, his culture, and other issues, but I cried anyway. I cried because it wasn't me, he didn't love me, he didn't want me and some lucky woman out there was living my dream life... or was she?
Life is funny, after adjusting to the idea that the two most incredible men I had ever clicked with are now married I went on with my dating life. The heart heals and I began to enjoy my Mr. Type 2 as a good friend. His instant messages are wickedly funny, his phone calls and conversations always lift my spirits.
Because of the distance between us I never had to worry about seeing him and having old feelings resurface, until he recently dropped another bomb. "I will be in Silicon Valley for business on a regular basis" he typed. [GULP] Suddenly my Type 2 man will be in my backyard AND he wants to have dinner. [GULP GULP] I don't think there is enough wine in Napa to get me through an evening safely. I'd end up naked in his bed, as my heart would takeover my head and all good judgment would fall with our clothing. Then, I would be back loving someone who can't give me the life I want because someone else already occupies that place. I suck at settling for less from a man. It brings out the worst kind of princess in me. I do not like being in second place.
So I have not had dinner with him...yet. My dearest friend KB has offered to chaparone the evening <laugh> she is so cute and very protective of me. She likes Mr. Type 2 and wants me to see him, but I just can't bring myself to sit across a table and hear his wonderful laugh, see his beautiful face. "Better to feel pain yesterday than today" I always say. To visit him would put me back to the day where my soul fell out my back and landed on the floor. No matter how many ways you slice our relationship pie, it still is covered with the sweet cream of his marriage and I would taste it with every bite. I am sure it would belch up.
It is difficult to resist all the Types of people who are caught in their own marriage dance and looking for another life. The real problem is that they don't know what they want, they may never know what they want and being around them too much can damage your heart. None are bad people, hell I have been one and never intended to hurt the people I did date when I was rolling through being Type 3 and 4 in my own life towards men..
Being on the receiving end though sure changes the view and I have no desire to ever be one of these Types ever again. I am clear about what I want out of life, and refuse to settle for anything less. I am tested all the time and I walk away, better to save my heart for another day.
Until next time-
C
