Married Men is a subject I have yet to discuss... Personally, I have encountered 5 types of MARRIED men during these past 7 single years. I file them into the following:
Type 1: Married, but do not want you to know they are married and attempt to completely conceal any traces of another life. They steadfastly deny they are married until you produce hard evidence proving beyond a doubt that you know. Technically: ... MARRIED.
Type 2: Married, and don't tell you at first, then tell you and hope you will over-look it. Technically: ... MARRIED.
Type 3: Married and wanting someone for a stepping mat while they go from married to divorce. Technically: ... MARRIED.
Type 4: Married, but moved out of the house, live elsewhere and call themselves divorced, but never file any paperwork (the wife doesn't either). Technically: ... MARRIED.
Type 5: Almost Married, meaning he lives with a girlfriend, but still wants to date other women without girlfriend knowing. Technically: ... MARRIED (close enough).
So ... which types have I dated and why? I am afraid to say all of the above. There is a naivete' experienced when coming out of marriage, where we think everyone is just like us, but more to the truth is everyone is different and come with their own set of issues. Like the animals in the wild, we must protect our hearts from predators like the animals protect their young. Not those predators are necessarily all bad, in the wild they must eat and seek out the weak or unprotected to survive.
The same is probably true of the types above; in their world they are trying to survive. The safest place is to not put us in the paths of these types, but sometimes through a great deal of illusion, mostly on their part and some on our part, we are sucked in and caught in their web.
I became friends with Type 1 (Married but doesn't want you to know) online just as my own marriage was ending. I do not remember how he discovered me online, but he is one of the most brilliantly hilarious men I have ever known, who also truly understands my humor. He is the person I fell in love instant messaging with for hours at a time. We would chat for hours accross the computer, laughing and laughing at the witty repartee bouncing back and forth between us like a great tennis volley. I forgot what it was like to laugh this way and loved every minute of it.
We were friends online for over a year and I dated other people while trying to figure out who I was again. He never said he was married, at some point I asked and he said he was not. His humor helped tremendously through the adjustment to single parenthood and allowed me to forget my troubles for brief periods. Little did I realize he was also getting me to write again. Our Instant Messages would have made a great two person stage play of "He Said, She Said".
I would cleverly take and twist around what he would type and toss it back at him with a click of an Enter key, then he would respond in kind. We wrote about every subject imaginable, except sex. I was wary of this instant message medium and did not want the subject matter to focus on sex. Once a woman allows a guy to cross that line then the giddy period of conversation disappears and only steamy pillow talk remains. The guy does not want to return to the former, his fantasy now moves into high gear.
His name is Mark and he lives in Southern California. He was to become my first official Mr. Big. He owns his own company and travels the country in his own plane, and the world first class on an airplane conducting big business as he goes. I was yet to travel for business, so I ate up his every word, wanting desperately to visit other worlds beyond the California State Line. Through his description of his business world by reading his mind via the power of the written Instant Message exchange I was able to transform myself into the head of a CEO type and try on that life in my head.
Part of the intoxication of this online experience was in being the object of intellectual sexuality where a man found my intelligent mind brilliant, alluring, entertaining and thrillingly funny. To be the object of desire for my quick-witted mind, rather than the size of my breasts, butt or thighs was new and foreign to me. It is really how it should be, because in the end it is the ability to communicate which saves a relationship - not his great long legs or her beautiful breasts.
It would be a rainy winter night when Mark would fly his plane to Sonoma County for our first date. It had been almost two years of online chatting, and my dating mishaps. He asked me to pick a five star restaurant to take me to dinner and I enjoyed the pleasure of researching just the right place and settled on the Mixx, an old Santa Rosa tradition.
I liked him instantly and he felt the same. This would mark the beginning of great Cinderella-like dates where he would sweep in, take me out and return me to my little home, back to my regular life. I loved our time together, always full of laughter and interesting stories. I love a man who can tell a great story. Mark is also the type of man who wanted to open my eyes to other worlds, the world of business travel, great restaurants and the mind of a very successful entrepreneur.
This went on for some time until I began to question why he was not bringing me more into his world and began questioning why we always spoke on the cell phone - not from a home phone. I started pushing him about being married, which he kept insisting he was not, until one evening I reached into his raincoat, pulled out his checkbook and looked at the names on the checks. There, right before my eyes was a woman's name (below his) just like a wife's should be when printed on a check. Upon confronting him, he finally was forced to confess and suddenly he went from a man with one child to a man of three. The one child I knew of was from his first marriage and the new two now from his second.
I was shocked, but not surprised as when 2 + 2 keeps adding up to 6, we know our instincts are trying to wave safety flags in front of us "WARNING WARNING - DANGER AHEAD" which we often discount for our own reasons. I tried to take in his reasons and requests to continue on, but (for me) everything had changed. Not because he was married (yes this was a problem and against my beliefs), but because he lied so directly, so completely to me about it for such a long time. He denied me the opportunity to approach the situation with all the information and make decisions based upon all the facts. In his selfishness he robbed me of the chance to be fully myself, our friendship now a lie - I was involved in something I had promised myself I never would find myself in.
We drifted apart and I began traveling for my own work, taking me places and providing me with experiences that he once furnished. I lightly cried from time to time, because the intellectual stimulation he provided was gone, and despite his character flaw he is a terrifically funny man whom was great to be around. Some people light up the space they occupy with their personality, and he shined as bright as a floodlight. I had known him for some time and the larger than life space that he once occupied was gone from my life.
And I swore this would not happen again ...any married man ...
Until I met type 5.
This story will continue ... until next time-
C
