Now... my Writer's Digest says I should write everyday. Gee, sex everyday would be nice too, but I don't know how realistic the former or much less the latter is. Brian came home from school sick and I am beginning to think my fatigue just might be a bug. Everything stops when mom gets sick (HA). Here I am at my x husband's office putting the finishing touches on his monthly client newsletter, while he gets to hang out with Brian at his Condo watching old western movies on TV.
I did say I wanted to be paid to write - correct?
My eyes feel like Marty Feldmen's (Igor - Young Frankenstein), my throat is starting to advise me not to talk (some of my x's might say this is a good thing) and I just want to put my head down on this pile of newsletters and snore. This could be why sex is out of the question - I am painting the most appealing picture of myself here. These are the times I get down on my knees and thank the God's of Tranquility there is no man to gohome to. I don't have to deal with his libido.
(or his socks on the living room floor...his brown racing stripe tidy whities on the bathroom floor ... his opinion on what I should eat that will make me feel better ... the loud sounds of something electronic, be it the computer, his power tools or something on his TV ... the constant "Honey do you know where [fill in the blank] is?" question ... or his 'reading' in the bathroom when I need to desperately get in it).
But there is the flip side to this...there is?
Yes, there is. If I could have a peaceful, mature loving man who throws a blanket over me so I might sleep, distracts Brian with a game of Clue or Chess, and does the dishes without complaint while I sleep to get well, I might even give into his libido. I have seen the grand couples; fussing over each other in their homes, at ballgames, in restaurants so I know restorative love is out there.
Yet, many of my married friends want my life. My life as a struggling single mom in a tiny garden place with an old cat that drools, a dog that dances and a boy who makes me laugh. They want my worries, my fears, and my mistakes because in living them, they feel it is a life lived 'by my own leave' - an independent life.
Yeh, I guess...
But I don't think they do. It is easier to look out instead of in when searching for answers, and often, once we are married the reasons we married the person laying next to us in bed is wrapped up in who we were at the time we pushed for the commitment. In my own marriage I was dealing with the fact that, even though 30 years old, I was not mature enough for marriage. I was looking for something outside of myself to make me happy. I thought 'happy' was wrapped up in a home, marriage and a baby.
My x offered the brass ring: he wanted the same, but if I looked closer I would have seen my own immaturity reflected back in him. Water always rises to its own level. Once married, someone had to be the adult, and that person became me and I resented him for it. Thus the married couplegames began, the one where we loose little pieces of ourselves as we try and bend into this marriage mold without training, and still looking to that other person to make us happy.
What I have learned over the years since my divorce is the best kind of relationships are the ones that develop when we are creating a great life, when we have a plan - a passion. The other person comes along during this time, is caught up in our love of creating a certain life, and is swept up into it with their own passion for their own life. It is really a 1 + 1 = 2 scenario, rather than a -1 + -1 + -n (n being all the garbage) trying to equal 2 and the math just doesn't add up.
So for me, I have yet to create my dream life. I know what I want, I have an idea on how to get there, but need the energy and a solution to my thyroid so I can go out and grab it. I don't want to repeat what I did in my marriage, choose someone who is going to give me a life. It never works, and I don't want someone else dictating that life.
I see in some of my girlfriends that they are stuck, lost after having the kids - being married, acquiring that dream and now looking for what to do next. Becoming single would certainly change their lives, but it will not help in the long term, unless the marriage is a personally degrading experience, and involves too much personal sacrifice.
Some of my friends are caught up in trying to find themselves within marriages that involve stepchildren they love, where the spouse brought them into the relationship. Beside the fact that I think there is a special place in heaven for such step-parents, it makes the waters even more muddied as my friends try and set priorities that are interwoven with young children who are not their own.
It's rather like Alice Through the Looking Glass, we are facinated by what we see in the mirror (the person we love) and want to step through to the other side. Once there, we explore their world and it looks a lot like the Mad Hatter's tea party and we want to find our way back 'home' to our Chesher cat. Sometimes the craziness works together like a great novel and other times it is all about pain and suffering.
Whatever the story, we have to find our own life's purpose, our dream and quit looking in that mirror.
Until next time-
C