Male dating mistakes ...
- First, to date a woman coming out of a divorce, who is wet to the mat from leaving her husband or him leaving her, is in no state of mind to be dating - it's pure selfishness on a man's part to date her. To those that date women fresh out the married gate are no better than the vultures that circle the latest dead carcass on the road. I call these men, “grave robbers”; as they are just looking to get laid, aware the woman is in no state to think clearly.
The men I knew during the first 6 months of my separation are a complete blur to me. They contact me from time to time and I think “God, who are you and why did I date you?” Fear takes us to a place where good judgment looks like pond scum and we can’t see clearly our way in front of us. Fear is the sweat of the first 6 months of divorce. The newly divorced need new friends, not new lovers, as appealing as that might seem.
-Then there are the men that pretend you have no children. They are an interesting bunch. I am more a mother than anything, and the best part of me is when I am with Brian, caring for his life with precious precision like a fine seamstress. Cut Brian out and 3/4 of whom I am is gone. A man who ignores that I am a mom first, mayas well hump a rag doll, because who I really am is not there, and I am amazing at disconnecting myself from others without them knowing it. I don't let men meet my son, except a rare few who I trust as friends. But even those realize little about my life and who I really am. I have connected with one man these post-divorce years and dated 54 men, so do the math. I am really good at pretending...
-There are the men who have been in my and Brian's home and think nothing of the things they use up - never pondering that it might be the last of Brian's milk - now I must figure out a trip to the store before Brian comes home. My girlfriends who come over for visits get this, as do I when visiting their homes. We never go to each other’s places without bringing a bag of groceries or something that adds to their life. The first night Elisabet showed up, she had a bottle of wine, cheese, salami, crackers, juice, half and half for morning coffee. Few men ever show up with anything but a smile and a hard-on. Her first thought is to make things easy for me and leave something behind for Brian. She gets it. I call these men, “the soup kitchen”, looking to get, rather than give.
-There are the men who don't clean up after themselves. When a man cooks me dinner in his house I take my dishes to the kitchen and help him clean up. If I had a dollar for every time a man has never bothered to pick up his plate let alone help me clean up at my place, I'd have another house by now. They have left wet towels on the bathroom floor, rings on my furniture from the glasses they left sitting behind half full, their crumpled garbage on a table for me to throw away and empty toilet paper roll. They have left out the toothpaste, peed on the floor next to the toilet and tracked mud on my favorite rug without even so much as an "I'm sorry", No wonder their wives got tired of them. All I see is how much extra work they'd be and I'd rather save my energy for Brian. Their behavior sends a huge message to me that they think little of my belongings, or me. I call these men “mama’s boys”, because obviously they assume it is a woman’s duty to pick up after them, a throwback from the days with their mom.
Humorously, many think they are a great catch and worry that some woman will snatch them up before they have found what they are searching for, which is their youth. They are so busy judging the woman instead of showing compassion and trying to be a true friend. I doubt any of these men ever go to their best guy friend’s house without at least a 6-pack of beer. Maybe the man that comes empty handed is showing that he has nothing to offer...?...
-There are the men that won’t date you in your town or their town and treat you like you are the ‘other woman’. I once dated a guy who was going through a divorce and felt he was a prominent member in the Sonoma community (yawn). He was worried that his x wife would see us out, then cry and create a scene in the town he did business in. (There's that divorce fear sweat thing again). I was fine not going out in Sonoma, as he was the main character in the drama in his head and I wasn't up to challenging the plot. But where this guy really blew it, was in the discounting of my free time. I have first right of refusal in my divorce, meaning if Brian's dad makes plans when he has Brian, I am the first person who gets the choice of having Brian, over some babysitter.
This guy would make plans for dinner and I'd tell my x that I was not available in case he made plans. I'd get dressed, maybe get a new pair of pumps and be ready to go and and this guy would call and say his teenage kids had just shown up at his house and he wanted cook them dinner. I would hear them in the background and bid off. The first time I was nice, but the second time I realized he was a man run by his teenage kids and was sending a clear message that my time meant nothing. He never stopped to think what a single mother might go through to go out on a date. What if I had hired a sitter and prepared Brian? I only date when I don't have Brian, but this guy didn't know it. His kids would use him for dinner, then leave him alone for the night and then he would call to see if I was still available - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? When he tried to pull it a third time, I told him it was enough and I was done. He got mad; as if I was asking him to chose me over his kids (which I wasn't) and his kids were 20 and 17, so give me a break. I just valued my time more than he valued me. I call these men “ time leaches”, as they use up your time without care or second thought.
-There are also the guys who don’t clean up for a date. There once was a guy that showed up one Saturday evening for a date in his jeep, and had nothing but stale garbage all over the floor of his jeep, including a banana peel. When he opened the jeep door for me, he brushed the passenger seat with hishand, pushing more garbage to the floor. Did he think I never took my own vehicle to the car wash on Saturday mornings and notice the guys getting their vehicles cleaned for date night? My own father cleaned our vehicles every Saturday. This guy was sending a clear message of exactly how important I was in his world and became furious with me when I wouldn't get in the car. HA! I may have to deal with my son's bedroom, cause I love him to death, but I certainly don't have to ride in a grown up version of it on date night. This guy and me get into a fight, I storm in my house and slam the door. I call this kind of guy “pigpen”.
Do men forget that I am someone's daughter; some guys little sister, some man's granddaughter, some men's beloved niece and most importantly a boy's sacred mother? Do they treat their family this way?
I hear that chorus of girlfriends out there yelling "YES"!
-There are the guys that try and date you, but only in your home. It’s funny that they think I won't get that they are just looking for an "f**k buddy". They want to just be able to come over and hang out, use your stuff, have sex and leave. If they do take you out it is to some obscure quick eat to try and get you back near a bed. They have no idea that I have dates where men have flown me in their privateplanes, taught me to steer their sail boat, hiked mountains to the top, taken me to the opera, to plays, to ballets, to concerts, to race tracks, to race pits, driving their race car, riding on their motorcycle, dinners in the city, dinners at the top of buildings, Sharks games, Giants games, 49r games, horseback riding, 4-wheeling, shooting, fishing, house boating, gambling, air shows, movies and much more. Do they really think after seeing the world they are going to keep me hidden in a bedroom? Just because I don’t talk about other men doesn’t mean there aren’t other men. I call these men “dick wanderers”, they wander around with their dicks (Joy prefers the word cock) looking for a place to park it, and nothing more.
-Another type is the ones that always want you to drive to see them, even if they are 5 hours away. Let me see, I should spend gas money, gas, ware and tare on my tires, besides the fact that long drives really bother my hip when my foot is constant to the pedal, to go see the guy. Then I should drive back alone … because he is….?….all that? It is interesting to me the number of men that ask this not thinking that I am self-employed. Cash flow is an issue of the self-employed so we must budget until our billable income comes in. I don’t run a business where cash comes in, so I live from deal to deal, sometimes going a couple of months without income coming in. I also don't use credit cards. It makes me brave or crazy to live this way, but these kind of guys really don’t get it. The only ones that do were raised by single mothers and are blown away when I say I am self-employed. I call the men who want you to drive to them and do all the work, “wanna-be royalty”. They think everyone should be at their beck and call. Oddly, they never stop asking for me to travel to see them, even when I never do. At what point do these guys get it?
But as these stories go, there is always the blessed with the disappointing. When Patrick and I broke up for good (the first boyfriend I had after my divorce), Dan came to the rescue. Dan was a 6'4" handsome young engineer-type who worked in Silicon Valley. Through my divorce, we had become good friends online and he disliked every moment I dated Patrick. Guys are funny when they don't like the guy you are with; they try to subtly make fun of the guy so you will think less of him. Dan was the king of this, and would leave me in stitches online as he made fun of the name Patrick. Hw would always say “How’s Pat?”
When Patrick and I broke up, Dan was serious, "I am coming up to take you out" he said, "You need a date". He wouldn't listen to my "No I am fine(s)" and drove up on his motorcycle the following Saturday morning. I will never forget how sexy he looked pulling off his leather riding suit in my front driveway. He has a beautiful grin of which he smiled and said "Hello gorgeous!" Some guys always know the right thing to say. He then went on to say "I am all yours, let's go do whatever you want to do". I wanted to go to the air show, and we decided to take my car over the motorcycle, the first thing he does is fill my car with gas.
Our conversation was light and fun and he couldn't believe that I love jet aircraft. He paid for us to go to the air show, and little did I know he was an air force brat and knew everything there is to know about jet aircraft. I was in awe as he led me around from jet to jet explaining every detail. The other pilots would chat with him and I would find myself surrounded by tall navy and air force men. This date rocked, and Dan is something else. Every now and then, he would look at me and wink. Some guys just know how to date. We shared a hot pretzel seeing who would back off from our lips first. I was having a great time and he knew it.
We spent all day at the air show and when leaving I figured we were done. "Hey you like movies" he says "let's go to a movie - you pick” We drove to the nearest theatre and stood outside making a selection. I wanted to see the new Bruce Willis movie where he was the walking dead, Dan smiled, paid and in we went to the movie, where I spent a great portion hiding my eyes in his shoulder. Once the movie was over, and I expected our date to be over, Dan says, "Let's go get something to eat before I go home" and he proceeded to take me to dinner.
When we were done and back at my house, Dan kissed me on my cheek and said "Catherine, don't you ever settle for less than this from a man - ever". And off he went on his bike. He would tell me later how hard it was not to carry me into the bedroom and have wild sex, but he knew it would be the wrong thing to do to me. Dan is a guy who gets it. We have remained close through his move to Bali, his timein Europe and his move to the East coast. He is a wonderful man.
He still writes saying that enjoys keeping up with my life through the blog, but would prefer me writing to just him. He'd like something more personal. I understand. It was like having Elisabet here in my home, hanging out, chatting about our lives. The connection is better one on one... more personal. Dan, like Elisabet has always been there for me. They are the type of people that add to ones life, not take from it. They make life easier for those they come in contact with, and are remembered for a lifetime, instead of just a blur.
Sometimes men are a combination of the types listed above and they make the most unpleasant dates. They become the ones I find myself another ride home and think of Dan and his words of advise. In the end I think that they aren’t good enough to ever truly know me and my son. I move on and think about my own hopes and dreams and how I can make them happen in a way that makes Brian happy too. I also must make sure that I raise Brian to be more like Dan ...there needs to be more "Dans'"...
Until next time-
C
